Posted tagged ‘Sex’

Agony aunt extraordinaire

March 29, 2011

Am I the only one who reads the “Ask the doctor” or “Relationship advice” columns in magazines for a good old giggle? I figured seeing as they’re seemingly such popular features I’d start my own little agony aunt column, and kick it off with a few test questions.

Q. “I think my partner is cheating on me. He hasn’t really done anything to make me think this; he treats me really nice and says he loves me every day. He even does the dishes every night.” –Neurotic girlfriend with major trust issues

A. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes? Then you’re probably just paranoid because you’re a dirty little minx. Have you been cheated on in the past? Yes? Then you’re probably just blaming your current partner for the dickheads you’ve dated in the past. If there is no reason to suspect that your partner is cheating he probably isn’t. Sort your trust issues out.

 

Q. “I had this one night stand, but I think I may have caught an STD, I don’t understand how though as I’m on the pill and I take it at the right time every day.” – Too busy making out behind the shed to have gone to Sex Ed.

A. Read my lips (or writing as the case may be) CONDOMS. The pill doesn’t protect you against anything except pregnancy, and even then it has to be taken correctly and depends on other factors. If you’re that thick, not only should you go back to school to attend sexual education classes, but you shouldn’t have sex. Like ever. Again.

 

Q. “I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend, what should I do about it? I don’t want to hurt my friend of course, but I also want to be happy.” – Can’t find a boyfriend by myself so I go after my friends’ left overs.

A. You know when you were little and you used to get jealous of your brother/sister/friends because they got cooler toys than you? Well, this is pretty much the same, only this is slightly more complicated than nicking your sister’s Barbie. You want a relationship? Good for you. However, you want it for the wrong reasons, you just want you to be happy, and your “best” friend to be the sad, miserable and lonely one. Stay away from your friends boyfriends and instead try and find your own. I suggest speed dating, that way they won’t have enough time to find out what a truly horrible person you are.

Q. “I found a porno in my boyfriend’s DVD player, does this mean I’m not enough for him anymore? I feel like he’s cheating on me and that what we have just doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.” – Prude who’ve never masturbated. Ever. It makes you go blind

A. Seriously? Ok, firstly, you need to get a vibrator, really. Secondly, he’s a man who watches porn, so fucking what? This is the 21st century, love, even women are partial to a bit of sex on film these days, hell I could point you in the direction of a couple of websites who even do a “female friendly” section. I’m sure your boyfriend loves you very much, hell he has to if he’s putting up with your prudish ways (do you even give head or try anything besides missionary?). Ask yourself this, do you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend when you watch a Gerard Butler movie and his face pops into your head when you’re in bed with your other half (grrr, I want a piece of that sexy man beast)? No, didn’t think so. Get with the ages love, and take up masturbation, seriously, it’ll make your life feel that much better. Hell, you may even have an orgasm once in a while (that’s when you get that tingly feeling down below and your body shakes a little/a lot).

 

So, what you reckon, think I have a future as an agony aunt?

 

Sil,

Ten reasons why you should get a SexBot

February 10, 2011

1. Excellent chance to show your ex that you were never as concerned about looks as they said you were. SexBots are actually less attractive than blow up dolls. And possibly based on transvestite fantasies on the creator’s side, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just saying that if you’re a straight man, that may not be too attractive.

2. You can’t get a girlfriend/boyfriend.

3. You’re a 40year old virgin.

4. You’re a sex addict who suffers from aphephobia. That would be so fucking harsh.

5. You don’t want someone nagging at you 24/7.

6. You’re highly boring, not very clever, kind of creepy or incapable of having a conversation with another human being… SexBots don’t judge.

7. You’ll never have to worry about being told “I’m on my period”, “I have a headache” or “Don’t you stick that disgusting thing in me, you sex obsessed prick”.

8. She’ll let you pop all the balloons you want.

9. She won’t spit after giving you a blowjob. She may short circuit though.

10. You’ve read the above nine reasons, and think I make a good case and a SexBot really is for you. Join a fucking dating site, we don’t live in some Star Trek alternate universe, you complete and utter freak. (Although if you, as a fetish, just have a thing for robots, go on, good for you, I don’t judge, and don’t really care and have seen weirder. May still want to consider the dating sites though. Seriously.)

Sil, x

Valentine’s Day – The countdown begins (yuck)

February 9, 2011

Now, I’d have thought it’s quite obvious that I’m not the kind of person who would celebrate Valentine’s Day. So in honour of all the like minded people out there, which probably will be made up of mainly single people, broken hearted people and 40 year old virgins, I’m going to do a countdown to the big day itself.

In commiserations of the day itself being only five sleeps away, let’s get this party started.

Five gifts to be suspicious off

1. Your girlfriend/wife gets you tickets to go see your favourite football club despite ALWAYS complaining about how you never spend time with her and instead you’re glued to Sky Sports. The milkman’s coming around mate, and it ain’t for a brew.

2. Flowers from Tesco’s garage. Yes, he did get it on the way home from work after he forgot that it’s the one day a year where if he comes home with something good, he won’t have to beg for sex.

3. You notice a big purchase on the credit card from a jewellery store. You get flowers and chocolates. And he doesn’t ask for sex. You do the maths.

4. Sexy lingerie when you hate getting into bed with anything but one of his old t-shirts on. Obviously it looked good on his bit on the side, and they were on BOGOF!

5. A Chlamydia testing kit. What a way to say I love you.

Sil, x

What To Get Me For Christmas

November 26, 2010

If you want even a remote chance of getting me into bed.

cod prestige

Black Ops, Prestige Edition (for the 360). I already have the game, I have had it since it came out and have already completed it. Not really my favourite of the Call of Duty series, but hey ho, who would say no to some zombie killing as JFK. Obviously, it’s not really the game itself I’m after, but what comes with the Prestige Edition, that AMAZING jeep. Radio controlled car, with a camera? Fucking hell yes. That would keep me entertained for weeks. Well, at least days. Plus I always did want to find out if my upstairs neighbour really has become a prostitute, or if the bloke living next to her really does kill people and store them under his floor boards. Might be worth throwing some night vision goggles in with that.

Front row standing tickets at a Bruce Springsteen concert. There’s something incredibly sexy about a man who can sing, play the guitar and looks that hot in jeans. Unless I manage to get onto stage and somehow convince the Boss to come home with me, the person taking me would be in for one hell of a night.

Bruce

Pacific Blue on DVD. Hell if anyone remembers that show, never mind can manage to get it on DVD; I’m already half way into your bed. Also, could always have it running in the background whilst we get down and dirty. A bit soft compared to what I’d usually watch whilst having sex, but what the hell. Who doesn’t love a bit of watching gorgeous people, with guns, running around in tight biking shorts?

An invisibility cloak. Fuck, if you can get me that, I’ll marry you. I may not believe in marriage, but I am a firm believer in sex after marriage. Maybe not with each other though.

To be honest, I’d prefer it if someone got me something extremely cool and original that I never even knew I wanted, be more exiting that way. Spontaneous bonus sex is always more fun than planned missionary position sex. Not that I do the latter. Ever.

Sil, X

Ten Reasons I’d Rather Be Single

November 26, 2010

1. I don’t have to hang out with his dickhead friends who think I go to football to watch men in shorts. Hairy legs, GOD how sexy.

2. I love the female body; nothing is sexier than a woman’s body. However you, that is “females”, do my fucking head in. I would rather be single than spending my time having my ear chewed by some bird who thinks just because we’re sleeping together I’m obliged to listen to every stupid little problem she has. Nicked yourself shaving? Get a fucking band aid, no need to bloody cry about it.

3. In laws. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been involved with people in the past who’ve had parents I’ve actually liked more than the person I’ve been seeing, but let’s be honest, who needs the fucking hassle? I already have one set of parents, I do not need another one hassling me about what I’m doing with my life, am I having children, is it going to be soon, not to mention marriage. Why the fuck would I want to get married, do you have any idea how expensive divorces are? Nor do I want to bring any children into your messed up family. You still wash your son’s clothing? I won’t be a replacement mum for your son.

mario

4. In order to have a good relationship, it needs to be based on friendship. Once you go from friendship to a relationship, 99percent of the time, you can’t go back. The fact that they hit on every girl in the club when drunk won’t be cute when you’re going home with them, not to mention it’ll have you wondering whether that itch you’ve been feeling lately really is just feminine itching.

5. Break-ups. Seriously, who needs the stress? I’ve never had a really ugly break-up, but who needs naked pictures of themselves plastered all over the internet. Not to mention having every one of your mutual friends look at you like you’re crazy because he’s told them you started crying because he left the toilet seat up. It’s not like they’ll believe you when you tell them he was the one crying after you ripped the toilet seat off and smashed him over the head with it.

6. You feel like you’re living with a puppy, except you don’t get the cute, cuddly side of it. Seriously, what is it with blokes who get so pissed that they forget where the toilet is. Pissing in the bed, down the staircase, on the sofa, in the kitchen sink or in the wardrobe all over my nice shoes… What the FUCK is wrong with you?

7. Criticizing every little thing I do. Did you know men actually have more car accidents? I don’t need you telling me that I’m going too slow or too quick, or perhaps I use the indicators too early. You really shouldn’t talk, especially as you never give me any indications of when you’re about to be too quick. Which again, is another good reason to be single, at least vibrators don’t finish till you want them to.

8. It’s cheaper. Christ, why would you want to spend money on cards and gifts for every little anniversary or Valentines day or “I’m sorry I got too drunk last night” days. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where the only time we talk is when we are exchanging cards that say a load of bollocks neither of us would actually say out loud and sincerely mean. Also, most people probably wouldn’t appreciate it when I give them a card that says “My Sincere Condolences” when they suggest after being together for a year we should get married.

9. Custody of the Xbox 360 and the HDTV with Surround Sound system. I’m better at gaming than you are, and we both know you’d never be able to put it together yourself. You’d never be able to give it as much love as I could.

10. You don’t have to deal with the aftermath of a bruised ego because you refused to fake an orgasm. Or having to utter the phrase “It happens to everyone”, or “It doesn’t matter” and actually make out like you mean it. Really isn’t my problem that you had one too many beers and now you can’t get it up, that’s why God invented vibrators. Plus, they don’t require pillow talk.

Sil, x

Sexual fashions I just don’t get, Part 1

August 2, 2010

Shaving your pussy, but leaving a little bit at the top, making a silly pattern or even colouring it. What the hell is wrong with you people? It’s not sexy, sensual or attractive, it just shows you don’t have a life and spend time styling pubic hair. That can’t be a good thing.

rr

Rampant Rabbits. The rabbit ears themselves are cute. I mean pink, purple, blue, any colour you want you can get, and the rabbit vibrates and can make you a very happy girl. However, and I blame Sex and the City for this, the main vibrator’s popularity must be down to looking nice rather than feeling nice. Personally I don’t find anything pleasurable about having something that feels like carved and bumpy stone pumping away inside me like a drunken virgin on his first attempt of pleasuring a woman. And failing miserably.

Girl on girl porn with butch lesbians made for men. If you’re watching it, if you’re enjoying it, if you’re a man… you really should come out of the closet.

Till next time boys and girls,

Sil, x

Things That Make Me Smile, Part 1

July 28, 2010

Random Statistics:

67% of men said a picture of their girlfriend or family is their most treasured possession. Most likely closely followed by the hundreds of rude pictures of their mistress(es) on their phone/laptop/desktop/any other gadget capable of holding digital images.

10% of men have a holiday fling. This does include single as well as attached men, or at least I assume it does. In other words, if you’re dating someone/have just met someone who has recently been on holiday, remember that the pill won’t keep you from getting crabs.

40% of men lie about how sporty they are when they’re on a date. Read as, nearly half of the male species are going to be a major disappointment in bed.

13% percent of men think their girlfriend’s boobs are the sexiest part of her body and 19% of men want their girlfriend to have cosmetic surgery. I guess the rest are into legs and asses?

56% of men use cosmetics each day. Over half of these men said they couldn’t live without fake tan. It makes me happy that there are so many orange Kens walking around waiting for their orange Barbies. They’re going to have a lot of orange little babies, who will in turn breed more orange babies, and in the end the world will be ruled by orange people. That’s when I’ll show that Women may be from Venus, but I’m moving to Pluto [Note: Furthest from the Sun, if you didn’t get it, don’t bother ever hitting on me. I have high standards. Deal with it]. Even if it’s not a planet anymore.

2/3rds of men have no idea what their girlfriend does to look good, that includes fake tans and leg waxing. Time to find out how them boys handle the hot wax girlies, and I wouldn’t start with the legs.

10% of men couldn’t live without their SatNav. Shame there isn’t one to cater for the female body, I reckon more than one in ten men could do with one of those.

AND my favourite one. 26% of men find a woman more attractive if she knows the offside rule. I knew there was a reason why I keep getting hit on at football. Still does not make it cool though, boys.

Sil, x

P.S Thanks to the person who emailed me the stats part of this xx


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