One England Captain?

Posted March 23, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: England, Football

Tags: , , ,

Because we all deserve a reason to smile

Doesn’t seem like it’s nearly a year ago that England (shockingly) went out of the World Cup does it, not to mention over a year since John Terry was stripped of the captaincy after sleeping with the mother of his England team mate’s child. An attempted mutiny during the World Cup, a season of mediocre club performances and a few more arguments with the referees he’s so desperate for us all to respect later and John “I turned out a cunt because my parents are criminals” Terry is right back where he started, with the England captaincy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I really have no feelings toward England whatsoever, besides perhaps distain and, at times, amusement, it does however bother me just how badly Rio Ferdinand has been treated. Let’s say you’re working as a telemarketer, and your supervisor has an affair with your floor manager’s wife. Your supervisor then gets demoted and you get given his job. Now you’re no saint by any means, you had a tendency of getting into driving related incidences when younger, and there was this one occasion when you forgot to attend a health check, and you ended up being suspended from work because of it (they’re a very health focused company), but in general you’re now staying clear of trouble and doing a pretty good job. Then, a year later, despite not having done anything wrong, except having a couple of sick days, you lose your supervisor position to the man whose position it was to begin with. You follow? It wouldn’t happen, would it? Well, it may, but highly unlikely.

He who can do no wrong

Apparently no one in the England camp has any problems with John Terry being reappointed captain. Rio Ferdinand apparently wished him all the best. So what exactly are they supposed to do? Come out and say just how wrong it is? Suggest that someone who has had a bad season and has a questionable moral standard at the best of times (well what do you expect, the poor sod’s mum is a common shop lifter and his dad sells coke) shouldn’t be England captain and suffer the consequences of being blamed for any unrest for saying what everyone is thinking? When it comes down to it, if it was true, that there was in fact no problems or questions over Terry’s return to the captaincy, every Tom, Dick and Harry related to the England squad wouldn’t need to make a comment to that effect. Well Fabio, here’s hoping he doesn’t let you down, or get it up as the case may be.

Sil, x


Cosmo Won’t Get You Laid

Posted March 23, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Relationships, Sex

Tags: , , ,

I can’t look at the magazine stands in shops without seeing the newest Cosmopolitan advertising an article inside with the 100 things that will get you laid, find you Mr Right (as if he fucking exists) or make you irresistible to the opposite sex (just don’t be yourself, you hear?)

Are people really that naïve that they believe a magazine is the answer to making themselves more attractive? Sure you can change your appearance/personality/attitude in order to make yourself more attractive to a certain person, hell both women and men do that all the time in order to get someone they fancy, but do you really need to pay £3.50 just to see a list of things you can do to improve yourself? Obviously the magazine who advertises themselves as “the life stylist for millions of fun, fearless females who want to be the best they can in every area of their lives” doesn’t believe that women can be attractive by being themselves.

Comforting isn’t it, not only do you get celebrities with their skinny selves being thrown in your face every day as someone you should aspire to be (you too may look like a prepubescent boy… sexy), but one of the biggest women’s magazines in the world is telling you that you need to change your personality too or the only thing you’ll attract is 18 cats as you’ll spend the rest of your life all alone.

I know a few women who think Cosmopolitan is some kind of a contemporary female bible, I also know a lot of women who strive towards perfection because they think that’s how they’ll find happiness. Now, I am really sorry to crush your aspirations, but there is no such thing as perfection, and if there was, no one would be attracted to it as it would be both dull and threatening at the same time. Beauty, as well as attractive personality, is in the eye of the beholder. If we all looked and acted the same, can you imagine how boring life would be? Sure being married to a woman who looks like Cheryl Cole would be appealing for a couple of weeks, but you wait till she starts singing in the shower and then tell me the appearance of perfect makes you happy.

When it comes down to it, you cannot pretend to be or look like something you’re not. Sooner or later you’ll have to clean off the make up and take off the Spandex. So rather than spend your life trying to be what you think everyone else wants (as if any real man would want to shag Katie Price or her like), be who you are, and you may actually meet someone who’ll actually like you. If not, you could keep trying to change. But be warned, this is how you may turn out:

Sil, x

Funny sign of the day PT 1

Posted March 23, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Random play

Tags: ,

Because I’m bored and feeling a bit childish, so, do you see what I see?


Sil, x

Four Big (little) Shining stars

Posted March 20, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Football, Manchester United

Tags: , , , , , , ,

We all know that if we win the Premiership this season, it’s not going to be on the grounds of playing the Manchester United way that we were spoilt with watching in say 1999. We’ve been rubbish, and luckily for us, we have been that bit less rubbish than the other teams in the league. What really annoys me though is that a lot of fans seem too focused complaining about most of our first eleven that they forget about the good ones, the little bright stars in our side that are the proof that although we may not be the best team in the world at the moment, there is no reason whatsoever that we can’t return to being a team that oozes sex appeal.

Since the nineties we’ve shown time and time again that we desperately buy all that is young (ish) and somewhat unknown in the hopes that we may find the next big thing. Whilst some of them have come good, with the memory of Kleberson and Djemba-Djemba fresh in mind it’s hard to expect anything but mediocrity, and we’re all too old and clever now to think our manager and his team of (possible alcohol dependent) scouts never get it wrong. However, we’ve been a bit spoilt this year as four of our young, bright players have been shining bright despite a vast majority of the squad having disappeared into a black hole for the majority of our matches.

How fucking cute are they in their suits eh? I admit I wasn’t very excited when we signed the twins back in 2007, in fact I pretty much didn’t give them much thought until they joined us in Manchester in 2008 and even then I’d pretty much decided that there would be more excitement around the confusion the twins could cause rather than how decent they may be for us. They both came with a lot of promise, but you know how it goes, the next big “it” ends up being the next new tit (in this case x identical pair of DD’s). I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy about being wrong. Not only can they defend, despite having a lot to learn, they can go down the wing, and they have passion, flair and buckets of talent and personality. We should probably have considered giving one of them a hair cut or something of course, just to avoid Fabio getting booked in his brother’s place again, but it seems the subtle differences have been picked up on by one and all now.

Rafael, I think he probably made his way into all our hearts when he showed Tevez in no uncertain terms how he felt about him this last November. I realise that some people are worried that Rafael lacks the ability to control his temper, but he is young, and he is passionate. Whilst restraint comes with age I really hope he never loses that passion, because he wouldn’t be the exciting player he is if he did. In a time when most footballers don’t care about much past the amount of zeros on their pay check, seeing someone loving the game so much that it makes him a bit crazy makes me tingle all over. Fabio, who was tipped to be the more talented brother by some, has had some injury problems, including needing surgery on his shoulder, but he’s still had the time to score a hat-trick for the reserves and is making his way into the first team. They remind me of young puppy dogs, they may look cute and fluffy, and their energy and play makes it hard to look away, but don’t piss them off, as I wouldn’t be surprised to see them biting at ankles.

It may be a bit strange to some to include a central defender in a blog which lead with the notions about the return of football with sex appeal (maybe you don’t remember parts of the nineties), but it’s no use scoring five screamers every game if you’re letting in just as many. Again, I admit I was beyond sceptical when we signed Chris Smalling. I mean, the kid had hardly played for Fulham, and we all know just how difficult good, young defenders are to come by. However I now happily put him conceding a penalty in his first (friendly) appearance for United as a fluke after having watched his run in the first team. Yes he has made some mistakes, but so does every defender on our books, just look at Rio and his “too busy Tweeting/thinking about what bling to buy next” moments, if any top defender has his moments of being “merked” it’s him. Smalling is going to be 22 later this year. 22 and he already plays like he has the confidence to be a defender for Manchester United. A lot of seasoned defenders couldn’t do that (*cough*Mikael Silvestre*cough*). Defenders get better with age, some still being able to play at top form well into their thirties. I don’t know if it’s because I used to play defence as a kid, but I love a good defender, and the thought of Smalling developing like he should, and could excites me.

Now, you all know how the saying goes, save the best for last? Javier fucking Hernandez. When we signed Chicharito, I actually did dare to believe that this was a good signing right off the bat. You just have to look at the kid to know he’s special, and he is proving that he is. Not only is he cute as a fucking button and would fit in your pocket, but he has bags of talent and he loves playing for Manchester United. Maybe he just loves playing football in general, but he actually looks like being at United makes him feel so fucking special that he shines like a little star. I just hope that he keeps getting his chances in the first team, rather than him and Berbatov being alternated whilst the ever inconsistent “wished he played for City” Rooney could take a gun to the gaffer’s head and still get picked.

We’ve also got Nani (getting there), Valencia (love) and (maybe) Anderson who show a lot of promise and increasing consistency for us. We’re not a bad side, we just need to start playing like a team again, and I hope before we make any more signings, we send the current squad on a survival camping/team building trip so they can start looking like they know who the person next to them is, and maybe even learn to string a decent pair of passes together. In the meanwhile, at least we have the twins, Chicharito and Smalling to keep our spirits up.

Sil, x

Looking forward, United meets Bolton

Posted March 19, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Football, Manchester United

Tags: , , ,

We’ve been pretty lucky as fans these last two matches, we’ve actually played a good game of football, two games in a row no less, and we need to keep that up. I know, stating the fucking obvious.

When it comes down to it, I would love to win the Champions League and the FA Cup, but truthfully, if we don’t win the league, it’ll mean fuck all. Winning the European Cup doesn’t always mean you’re the best team in Europe. Look at Liverpool the last time they won it, they weren’t even near being the best team in England never mind Europe. The league always means the most, I’d love to win in Europe too, but not without the league.

I really hope we win today, I hope we play convincingly and I hope we can keep the confidence going as god only knows we’re going to need it in the run in. But more than anything I do just want the three points. Yes I would rather win playing beautiful football, but I would also rather win playing alright than lose whilst trying to make the game look like an act from Swan Lake.

Also a little birdie (more like a whole swarm of bees) on Twitter said that Owen Hargreaves is supposed to be fighting for a spot on the bench today. Now I hope Hargreaves gets back in the game, I really do. But I do not think he should be anywhere near the bench till he’s at least played a few matches for the reserve team. I’m all for good old curly hair, but there’s no point wasting two out of three substitutes so that he can get five minutes. Harsh? Not really. Just given up being optimistic when it comes to Mr Curly Hair, hell I’m shocked he even fucking exists.

Sil, x

P.s. I’m typing this from my phone, so apologies for any bad grammar or spelling. And the shortness of the blog.

The luck of the draw? United v Chelsea

Posted March 18, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Football, Manchester United

Tags: , ,

I remember being about thirteen and watching the Champions League draw and being more excited than a kid at Christmas. Who would you get and where would you play was one of the highlights of the European season. Now it’s more of a snore fest of an occasion as you sit through a badly scripted speech that goes on forever, usually made by someone whose English is as good as my school German (which after five years of studying it, is really fucking poor), before we have to sit through a “draw” which rarely holds any surprises. I’m paranoid you say? Am I fuck. The UEFA are as crooked as a Russian billionaire who sips cocktails with the KGB.

I’m not scared of facing Chelsea, not by any means; I know we’re fully capable of beating them. It’s not about bad memories either, as let’s face it, they’ll have more of those than we do, especially John “Fucked up the penalty as I was too busy thinking about screwing Wayne Bridge’s missus” Terry. Firstly I fancied a European side, because it’s a European cup. I like going to Old Trafford on the tram with crazy Italians or Spanish people at the other end of the carriage yelling things that no one can understand. Secondly I like playing a European match and not having people talking about how it’s going to be revenge for losing in the league. Revenge for what? Chelsea being lucky, dirty twats, who, despite beating us, have no chance at winning the league? Chelsea hasn’t registered on the radar this side of Christmas; they’ve screwed themselves out of trophies. We don’t need to beat them to get revenge; we need to beat them because if we don’t, we’re out of the Champions League, and as much as the league is what really matters, we all know how much going out of the European Cup hurts.

When it comes down to it, Chelsea aren’t better than we are. We’re top of the league; they’re fighting to get a Champions League spot. The Champions League is the one competition they think (!) they have a chance at winning, which despite Ray Wilkins deluded ideas of their overrated grandeur, is wishful thinking on a good day. And I’m talking winning the lottery, getting a gold plated toilet in a raffle, having Beyonce on your arm and singlehandedly finding a cure for AIDS and cancer good fucking day. Chelsea aren’t a top European side, we’re not playing a great season either of course, but we are a better side than they are, theoretically so good that we have a chance of the treble. Please note that I said theoretically though, I’m an optimistic fan and all, but I’m not deluded.

The real reasons why I don’t want to play Chelsea though? They bore me to tears to start with, you get more entertainment from watching snails race over a road than watching them. At least with a snail race on a road you know you’ll see blood (well, slime), tears and passion. Secondly I hate Chelsea fans. Yes I know one or two people who support Chelsea and are decent people, but mostly? No. They’re racist, rude, threatening little bullies who pick on women and kids and sing songs about Munich on busy trains. That’s based on personal experiences, not me generalizing fans. So I don’t just want to beat them because I want to get to the next stage of the cup, I want to win because there is nothing I enjoy more than watching a 24 stone, bald, middle aged, Nazi saluting, thinks John Terry is a good guy, dickhead cry like a baby.

Sil, x

Steak and Blowjob Day

Posted March 14, 2011 by footballsexrocknroll
Categories: Relationships, Sex

Tags: , ,

So, I did five (I think) pieces on Valentine’s Day, so it’s only fair I do the one to raise awareness of Steak and Blowjob day, right

This is the day when all your hard work for Valentine’s Day pays off. Or so you would think eh? After spending your hard earned money on jewellery (he has a mistress), Tesco flowers (he forgot about the day) or something genuinely thoughtful (he actually loves you… or may be gay), this is the day where to be perfectly honest you’ve hoped to reap the rewards. When asked what you wanted for dinner, you answered steak with a wink, and then went off to work hoping for the best when you got home.

Let’s face it though, Steak and Blowjob day isn’t a national holiday, which it appears Valentine’s day appears to be to some soft buggers, and chances are, if you don’t get a nicely done steak and are being at the very least offered a blowjob on a regular basis, you’re pretty much fucked on this day as well.

When it comes down to it, a lot of blokes won’t ask for a blowjob unless it’s offered to them, and a lot of girls aren’t about to offer it because they either don’t like giving them, or simply don’t think they’d be any good, some women even think a blowjob involves blowing (yes, it’s quite possible that these women are extremely naive and perhaps grew up in Amish country). Of course, a lot of women won’t know how to cook a decent and juicy steak either (try using lemon juice), but hey ho.

The fact that some men haven’t even heard of the day is in itself a tragedy, so consider this my effort to spread awareness for it. Relationships are about giving as well as taking after all, so if you expect to be spoilt rotten on February 14th; it’s only fair that you at least get the steaks in a month later.

Sil, x

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