Archive for the ‘Relationships’ category

Agony aunt extraordinaire

March 29, 2011

Am I the only one who reads the “Ask the doctor” or “Relationship advice” columns in magazines for a good old giggle? I figured seeing as they’re seemingly such popular features I’d start my own little agony aunt column, and kick it off with a few test questions.

Q. “I think my partner is cheating on me. He hasn’t really done anything to make me think this; he treats me really nice and says he loves me every day. He even does the dishes every night.” –Neurotic girlfriend with major trust issues

A. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes? Then you’re probably just paranoid because you’re a dirty little minx. Have you been cheated on in the past? Yes? Then you’re probably just blaming your current partner for the dickheads you’ve dated in the past. If there is no reason to suspect that your partner is cheating he probably isn’t. Sort your trust issues out.

 

Q. “I had this one night stand, but I think I may have caught an STD, I don’t understand how though as I’m on the pill and I take it at the right time every day.” – Too busy making out behind the shed to have gone to Sex Ed.

A. Read my lips (or writing as the case may be) CONDOMS. The pill doesn’t protect you against anything except pregnancy, and even then it has to be taken correctly and depends on other factors. If you’re that thick, not only should you go back to school to attend sexual education classes, but you shouldn’t have sex. Like ever. Again.

 

Q. “I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend, what should I do about it? I don’t want to hurt my friend of course, but I also want to be happy.” – Can’t find a boyfriend by myself so I go after my friends’ left overs.

A. You know when you were little and you used to get jealous of your brother/sister/friends because they got cooler toys than you? Well, this is pretty much the same, only this is slightly more complicated than nicking your sister’s Barbie. You want a relationship? Good for you. However, you want it for the wrong reasons, you just want you to be happy, and your “best” friend to be the sad, miserable and lonely one. Stay away from your friends boyfriends and instead try and find your own. I suggest speed dating, that way they won’t have enough time to find out what a truly horrible person you are.

Q. “I found a porno in my boyfriend’s DVD player, does this mean I’m not enough for him anymore? I feel like he’s cheating on me and that what we have just doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.” – Prude who’ve never masturbated. Ever. It makes you go blind

A. Seriously? Ok, firstly, you need to get a vibrator, really. Secondly, he’s a man who watches porn, so fucking what? This is the 21st century, love, even women are partial to a bit of sex on film these days, hell I could point you in the direction of a couple of websites who even do a “female friendly” section. I’m sure your boyfriend loves you very much, hell he has to if he’s putting up with your prudish ways (do you even give head or try anything besides missionary?). Ask yourself this, do you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend when you watch a Gerard Butler movie and his face pops into your head when you’re in bed with your other half (grrr, I want a piece of that sexy man beast)? No, didn’t think so. Get with the ages love, and take up masturbation, seriously, it’ll make your life feel that much better. Hell, you may even have an orgasm once in a while (that’s when you get that tingly feeling down below and your body shakes a little/a lot).

 

So, what you reckon, think I have a future as an agony aunt?

 

Sil,

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Cosmo Won’t Get You Laid

March 23, 2011

I can’t look at the magazine stands in shops without seeing the newest Cosmopolitan advertising an article inside with the 100 things that will get you laid, find you Mr Right (as if he fucking exists) or make you irresistible to the opposite sex (just don’t be yourself, you hear?)

Are people really that naïve that they believe a magazine is the answer to making themselves more attractive? Sure you can change your appearance/personality/attitude in order to make yourself more attractive to a certain person, hell both women and men do that all the time in order to get someone they fancy, but do you really need to pay £3.50 just to see a list of things you can do to improve yourself? Obviously the magazine who advertises themselves as “the life stylist for millions of fun, fearless females who want to be the best they can in every area of their lives” doesn’t believe that women can be attractive by being themselves.

Comforting isn’t it, not only do you get celebrities with their skinny selves being thrown in your face every day as someone you should aspire to be (you too may look like a prepubescent boy… sexy), but one of the biggest women’s magazines in the world is telling you that you need to change your personality too or the only thing you’ll attract is 18 cats as you’ll spend the rest of your life all alone.

I know a few women who think Cosmopolitan is some kind of a contemporary female bible, I also know a lot of women who strive towards perfection because they think that’s how they’ll find happiness. Now, I am really sorry to crush your aspirations, but there is no such thing as perfection, and if there was, no one would be attracted to it as it would be both dull and threatening at the same time. Beauty, as well as attractive personality, is in the eye of the beholder. If we all looked and acted the same, can you imagine how boring life would be? Sure being married to a woman who looks like Cheryl Cole would be appealing for a couple of weeks, but you wait till she starts singing in the shower and then tell me the appearance of perfect makes you happy.

When it comes down to it, you cannot pretend to be or look like something you’re not. Sooner or later you’ll have to clean off the make up and take off the Spandex. So rather than spend your life trying to be what you think everyone else wants (as if any real man would want to shag Katie Price or her like), be who you are, and you may actually meet someone who’ll actually like you. If not, you could keep trying to change. But be warned, this is how you may turn out:

Sil, x

Steak and Blowjob Day

March 14, 2011

So, I did five (I think) pieces on Valentine’s Day, so it’s only fair I do the one to raise awareness of Steak and Blowjob day, right

This is the day when all your hard work for Valentine’s Day pays off. Or so you would think eh? After spending your hard earned money on jewellery (he has a mistress), Tesco flowers (he forgot about the day) or something genuinely thoughtful (he actually loves you… or may be gay), this is the day where to be perfectly honest you’ve hoped to reap the rewards. When asked what you wanted for dinner, you answered steak with a wink, and then went off to work hoping for the best when you got home.

Let’s face it though, Steak and Blowjob day isn’t a national holiday, which it appears Valentine’s day appears to be to some soft buggers, and chances are, if you don’t get a nicely done steak and are being at the very least offered a blowjob on a regular basis, you’re pretty much fucked on this day as well.

When it comes down to it, a lot of blokes won’t ask for a blowjob unless it’s offered to them, and a lot of girls aren’t about to offer it because they either don’t like giving them, or simply don’t think they’d be any good, some women even think a blowjob involves blowing (yes, it’s quite possible that these women are extremely naive and perhaps grew up in Amish country). Of course, a lot of women won’t know how to cook a decent and juicy steak either (try using lemon juice), but hey ho.

The fact that some men haven’t even heard of the day is in itself a tragedy, so consider this my effort to spread awareness for it. Relationships are about giving as well as taking after all, so if you expect to be spoilt rotten on February 14th; it’s only fair that you at least get the steaks in a month later.

Sil, x

It’s all about balls

February 26, 2011

Whether it’s your relationship or your football team, it seems that some times it really is much of the same.

On the good days you’ll score three or even four, on the bad days you don’t score at all or you find the other team is scoring without you being allowed in on any of the fun.

On a good day you’ll get away with a rough tackle or mouthing off, on a bad day you’ll get a red card for being caught in a compromising position although you’ve really not done anything wrong. This time, at least.

Some days you score the goal of a life time, other times you find out the goal came with syphilis. I don’t really know how you could relate getting an STD to football though. Unless you’re an Argentinean national team player/Manchester City player and your bunk buddy for away matches is Carlos Tevez.

On a good day you win the European Cup, on a bad day you slip on a wet patch and can’t fulfil your obligations.

 

 

Sil, x

 

Happy Hallmark Day

February 14, 2011

Seriously. Despite all my miserable notions and slightly (but only slightly) taking the mick out of V-day, I would like to wish everyone else a great day. Really, I mean it.

If you lot of pathetic mugs want to spend a load of money on chocolates that will have her complaining about her weight for weeks, or flowers that’ll be dead in a week (and a bitch to clean out of the vase if you forget to get rid straight away), then you go right ahead. To all you sensible people out there who’ve been made to feel like you’re all right dicks because you’re not going to a mediocre Italian tonight, just have a look at the picture below and then tell me you don’t feel a million times better about yourselves.

 

At least now we can go to the High Street without getting blinded by red, metallic love hearts in every bloody shop window. Of course, they’re only going to go and replace them with fucking chickens that look like they’ve been taken straight from the KFC genetic modification farms. Happy fucking Easter.

 

Sil, x

Five V-day films you should watch

February 13, 2011

I realised I skipped a day on the V-day countdown, but to be perfectly honest, after my team beat City, I really couldn’t even be bothered to regain my distain for the Hallmark holiday (The city is yoooours, the city is yoooours, 20000 empty seats, are you fuckin’ sureee? Right, that’s out of my system now.)

Now V-day is nothing without Valentine’s Day movies, right? And in an attempt to be slightly more cheerful about the big day, I’m going to suggest a couple of films that might be suitable.

1. Valentine. I mean, it’s all in the name, really? So, it may be about a killer and nobody knows who he is (well it’s kind of obvious if you have half a brain), but it has eye candy a plenty in it. Most notably David Boreanaz (yummy) and Denise Richards (in a swimsuit as well). It’s also got a not so famous Katherine Heigl (before she was SUPER famous) and some dude who used to be in the latter seasons of Beverly Hills 90210, I think he may have played a lawyer, or an accountant and he dated one of or both the blondes in it (you know the ones I mean, Tori “Only got the part because my dad’s a bit soft” Spelling and the other one who used to date Brandon in the show). It also has THE best poem ever written, which I quote quite often in day to day conversations, “Roses are red, Violets are blue… They’ll need dental records to identify you.” 10 out of 10 for brilliantly lousy script, yet refreshing horror reminiscent of the days where horror films still tried to adhere to some sort of a story.

2. My Bloody Valentine. Now, this isn’t a great film, not by any means. Even as a horror it’s predictable and unoriginal. However, it has Jensen Ackles in it, and if I could have one night with that gorgeous man, I’d give up sex forever.

3. Natural Born Killers. Hey, if there’s ever a story that shows how messed up love can get, this is the one. Although I suppose the sociopathic tendencies played a small part.

4. Misery. Hey, if ever there was a bunny boiler… and these two weren’t even in a relationship, she was just crazy and obsessed with a writer. Now imagine if they’d actually been in a relationship. Then imagine how crazy she’d have been. Then stop being miserable you’re single.

5. Basic Instinct and/or Fatal Attraction. Both are two of my favourite films ever. These films have lessons to be learned aplenty; don’t sleep with more than one person in a film, don’t cheat on your wife with a psychopath, don’t fall in love with a woman who has a thing about ice picks and whatever you do, do NOT trust Michael Douglas’ taste in women. Sure Catherine Zeta Jones is stunningly beautiful, but besides from the fact that she’s Welsh, a good actress and mediocre singer… what do we really know about her?

Enjoy, I know I will

Sil,x

P.S. If you spend V-Day watching Twilight, you should have your eyes gauged out with a spoon. Just saying.

Five V-day gifts your man will actually appreciate

February 12, 2011

If you really, really have to celebrate it.

1. A set of ten coupons for blowjobs. Valid any time. You’re not allowed to complain + no making funny faces + if he wants you to swallow, do it. Only fair.

2. Five free passes to go out with the boys (well, you don’t want him taking the piss, and if you give him anymore, he probably will). This way you get a night to yourself to do, well, whatever normal women do. Watch the soaps maybe? He doesn’t have to come home expecting trouble. May want to add in a clause of no using the blowjob coupons on the same nights as the free passes though, he’s only going to pretend he’s forgotten he got one in the morning, the slimy bastard.

3. An Xbox 360/PS3 if he’s not a gamer, get the PS3. You can play games; he can watch porn blu-ray style, resuuult.

4. One of them car track sets, you know where you push the button and they go around in circles racing each other. Think about it, whenever someone gets those for kids, who end up playing with them? The “grown-up” men do. Actually, get me one of those. Please.

5. Porn. Now the last one can be a miss as much as a hit. Some men would love their other half to get them porn (although they may take it as an invite to sex, so you know, if you’re not up for that, may want to get him a couple of shirts from M&S and maybe a nice tie instead). However, they could be a miss, as some men have what I like to call “badly hidden porn syndrome”. Common symptoms include hiding porn in the back of the closet (despite you doing all the laundry, so you will find it putting clothes away, tidying, or just being generally nosey), leaving porn in the VCR/DVD player and claiming it’s not theirs (yeah, because your 80 year old neighbour sneaks over whilst you’re both at work to watch porn in your house) and clinging on to year old porn mags and usually hide them in the bathroom (that one’s even lost on me). Now if your man is the latter kind of man, don’t get him porn. Chances are he’ll feel about the same as someone really religious being handed a crucifix by Satan.

 

Sil, x


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