Archive for the ‘News’ category

Porn is bad, mmmkay?

September 8, 2010

no porn

So apparently the think tank 2020health.org has decided that NHS trusts who supply porn to men providing sperm samples when they are involved in an IVF treatment are encouraging “adultery of the mind.” Basically, when you have a wank for science, you should be thinking about your missus, the one you’re struggling to get pregnant with and which is probably stressing you out.

Porn is bad. It encourages adultery of the mind. What a load of complete and utter shite. I don’t know a single male and very few females who do not enjoy watching porn, either on their own or with partners, some mainly on their own. Does that mean their all being adulterous mentally? No, at the risk of sounding clinical, it means they use sexual images to achieve some sort of sexual gratification. So what if they flick through a magazine or watch a porn film as to make it easier to provide a sperm sample in the middle of a hospital surrounded by people who know you’re having a wank in the next room, it’s hardly the end of the world, hell chances are they have their own stash at home in the form of magazines (check), DVDs (check) or films or link to porn sites on their computer (check and check). It’s just pornography, as long as it isn’t something illegal, there’s nothing wrong with it.

Maybe the woman who was responsible for releasing the survey results, of which I have no interest in going through because they make me yawn, a lot just has issues. Maybe she just doesn’t like people coming because her own short comings.

Sil, x

Rooney, you twat.

September 5, 2010

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Wanker, wanker, wanker, cunt. May seem like I have fashionable Tourettes, but sadly I’m just fucked the hell off.

There has been rumours going around for months about Wayne Rooney having had an affair with a prostitute whilst his wife was pregnant with their kid. Last I saw it had hit the Sunday Mirror and the News (stiffles laughter) of the World, I’m not intending to look for any further stories.

To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. To say I feel like punching a hole in the wall would be nowhere near the damage I would actually like to inflict on the world. I’m embarrassed. I feel sick. I’m pissed off. I’m gutted. I’m heartbroken.

The thought that Rooney would do something like this to his pregnant wife sickens me, and I hope to God she leaves his sorry ass for doing something so stupid. However, selfish, what I wish more than anything is that this don’t affect the team. I can in time forgive Rooney for doing something that horrible to his wife and then unborn baby. I can forget the fact that he didn’t just do it once, but several times. However if you let this fuck your season up, and this costs us our shot at the league, I will personally hunt you down and cut your cock off with a sharpened spoon.

Still, except from the selfish part of me, I’m just really, really gutted, and I feel like a five year old who has just found out their idol killed Barney.

Sil, x

Tony Blair: Please like me again.

August 17, 2010

So the former Prime Minister may not have actually uttered these words, but it’s blatantly the wish behind his somewhat desperate attempt of getting back in the warmth by donating the advance of his new memoirs to the British Legion, more specifically the rehabilitation of soldiers returning from service.

blair, bush

Oh Tony, you really do make me chuckle. You could get up in front of a hundred thousand people at Wembley Stadium with your own rendition of Bryan Adams’ “Please Forgive Me” and it would make just as little an impact as your donation of a few million pounds. Now, some have gone as far as to refer to Tony Blair’s donation as “blood money”, a term that I personally think has lost its meaning a lot the way people throw it about. I’d be more inclined to refer to the money as a bribe, or a poor attempt of a bribe.

Tony Blair got into office a very popular man, mainly because he has some sort of complex when it comes to popularity and fame, and hence he chases it relentlessly. I’m not saying that England under Blair was a bad one, he did do some good. However what a lot of people is going to remember him for is the lives lost under him for joining a cowboy on a hunt for WOMD (read as oil), and someone who so desperately wants to make the history books and remain in people’s minds as a hero that he thought donating some money would make up for joining the most talked about Easter egg hunt in the history of, well, Easter.

bush easter

I could give you numbers of people killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. I could give you numbers of British soldiers killed due to allied mistakes if I was really feeling like hammering in the point as to why joining a war with America is a bad idea. I’m not going to though; as all it does is reduce someone’s child, someone’s sibling and someone’s parent to a number. There’s a rather common saying in media, different variations of “you cannot put a value on a human life.” Seems like Tony Blair disagrees though, he’s put a value on the lives of those who fought and died, those who lost limbs, those who lost friends, who lost everything, those who are still fighting an never-ending war. £4.6 million. Doesn’t seem that much of an effort, considering he has earned more than four times that since leaving his post as Prime Minister just as we faced a financial crisis.

Still, I digress. After all, the money isn’t serving its purpose. I’m sorry Tony, it seems forgiveness can’t be bought, and people are still more likely to mention you in the same breath as your pal Bush than the likes of Churchill. Guess you should have thought about that before you got into bed with someone whose most challenging daily task is to figure out which shoe goes on which foot.

Sil, x

Quiet like a mouse

June 1, 2010

Is kind of how I’ve been lately really. I’m afraid life’s been rather busy lately, and it’s stopped me giving my opinion of all things great and wonderful that have been happening in the world.

There’s the weather. Pollen infestation one day, hail and misery the next. If there is a God, which I am pretty sure there isn’t, you are in so much trouble for messing me about the way you have. I wish for once England like most of the world would follow the logic of having four seasons in a year, not four season in two fucking weeks.

There’s the resignation of David Laws, who has retsigned after it became public he spent £40 000 paying his boyfriend’s rent. Well, his fella has to have one hell of a pad is all I’m saying, talk about being looked after well. Give it three months and I reckon most Lib Dem Government officials will have “resigned” due to simillar reason. Not nessessarily because they are guilty, which Laws blatantly is, but because it’d be the easiest way for Cameron to ensure his government remains a Tory powerpoint. Lets face it, at the moment it’s pretty much like watching the KKK and a Gospel choir playing happy families, and there’s no way in hell that’ll last that long. Especially not five years, however much Cameron may want to continue doing Clegg and his mates up the arse.

England beat Bangladesh in their first test match. Well, who gives a shit, watching cricket’s like cutting your wrists then watching them bleed out slowly and think of it as entertainment.

Alicia Keys is pregnant, and getting married. Jealous.

The World Cup’s coming up, and England needed Japan to score two own goals to ensure they won their friendly the other day. Yes people, we’re so good we need Japan to score on our behalf. I’m sure that’ll win us the World Cup… really… Bunch of naive twats. When we go out you’re all going to blame Rooney for not running enough, or not scoring enough, so how about you stop cheering for the player who you jeer for most of the year and just start booing him now. That way he may realise that United really is greater than England. By a landslide people.

Dennis Hopper’s passed away. Gutted. For once I’m not going to make any jokes.

In other news, we’re still in a recession, the country is run by worms who are more worthless than a lab rat refusing to test the newest shade in lipstick and I have a bad ankle.

Till next time boys and girl,

Sil, X

Things to do

May 11, 2010

When your country is being fucked over royally as the result of a Conservative government.

1. Infiltrate MI5 and get them to execute orders to have David Cameron killed by orders of the Queen. (No I am not being serious, please do not have me locked up for terrorism, I honestly am joking. Really. At least a little bit. Mostly)

2. Send David Cameron love letters and sign them William Hague, make sure the letters look legit. Hence sound pompous and arrogant, whilst showing appreciation that the amount of blowjobs that have been exchanged between the two have now lead to a great political position for the both of them. Then leak the letters to the Sun, who, lets face it, will print anything.

3. Infiltrate the palace wearing Mission Impossible style disguise to appear as David Cameron, get into the Queen’s bed then say in very posh voice: “Ma’am, I would like to thank you for giving me the power to fuck this country up the backside, by analy buggering you.”

4. Give Gordon Brown a hug. Let’s face it, he could probably really do with one.

5. Watch Fringe on Sky 1 HD. Not because it will help matters in the slightest, but quite frankly Science Fiction is a hell of a lot more appealing than reality. I would prefer the world exploding due to improbable continual opening of gateways between parallel worlds than a Tory government.

6. Get a time machine. Travel five years into the future, see what state the UK is in by then and hence decide whether to become a harem girl in Saudi Arabia as of next week.

7. Expect the worst. It can never really be as bad as expected. Lib Dem will have some say won’t they. We won’t all get screwed over totally.

8. Believe in the power of positive thinking.

9. Realise positive thinking does not work.

10. Become an excessive drinker, smoker and all around annoying little cunt. And probably become a Member of Parliament as a result of it.

Sil, x

Clegg screwed us

May 11, 2010

I admit, I didn’t see it coming. Well at least not before the election. Is Nick Clegg really so desperate for power that he is willing to go into a coalition government with the party who is as far right as he is left? We will not get electoral reform under the Tories, ignore what they’re telling you Nicky, they’re lying. Did they promise you that they would not close the mines (are there even any left to close?) or that they would not steal any candy (or milk) from small children?

I for one feel like I’ve just been fucked up the backside by the biggest cock known to man, and I did not enjoy it at all. By the look of Lord Mandelson’s face on Sky, I’d make a well educated guess that it is in fact over. Labour should have done more to ensure a deal could be reached, that much is for certain, but the Liberal Democrats should never have gone in for a deal with the Tories. You’ve sold us out Nick, and it’s not for the better of the country, it’s for the better of you and your need for power, something which you will never achieve whilst working with the scum of the earth. You have sold your soul to the Devil, perhaps because he wears nice suits and speaks poshly and so you can relate to him.

I for one will never be able to forgive Nick Clegg for going in for a coalition with the Conservatives. You will not get what you want, there will be no Liberal Democrat passing of laws or policies, you will spend the next five years being raped prison style over and over by the devil and his hell hounds. And we will pay the price for you.

I hope you’re happy Nick, you have a few hours to make it up to me and prove me wrong, but I can’t see it happening. You’ve made me fall out of love with you, and I only hope that your party peers decide to go against your wishes, and if they do not you may all feel free to rot in hell.

Sil, x

UN to interfere with UK Election

May 7, 2010

No, this isn’t breaking news at all, but it very well could be. Whenever there are elections held in countries where the current “government” or the people attempting to get to power cannot be trusted, the Western World and the people campaigning for equality and democracy tend to go running. So how come they aren’t coming running to our aid?

Hundreds of people all over the country have not been allowed to vote due to local government fuck ups, or to your regular conspiracy theorist, cheating. It may not seem like very much, after all what can a couple of hundred voters do right? Those couple of hundred add up to start with, but more importantly, if they’ve fucked that up, what else can they have messed up.

Sod Labour, Sod the Conservatives and double sod that slimy git that is the posh little cunt David Cameron. England isn’t a democracy, a Tory party whose interests serve only those who are rich and influential does not show a fair country. Perhaps if English politicians would climb out of the days of a British Empire and the thirst for power that comes with it they may realise that for England to function in a modern society the political system will need an overhaul. At some point people will grow tired of watching their appointed MPs yelling at each other in the House of Commons like little school boys and girls, and instead want something to be done.

Perhaps the next step should be to suggest the people who voted Tory should be put in front of the Hague, charged with crimes against humanity. Or we could just put both them and those voting BNP on a deserted island and encourage a real life idiot participant Battle Royale.

Sil, x


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