Agony aunt extraordinaire

Am I the only one who reads the “Ask the doctor” or “Relationship advice” columns in magazines for a good old giggle? I figured seeing as they’re seemingly such popular features I’d start my own little agony aunt column, and kick it off with a few test questions.

Q. “I think my partner is cheating on me. He hasn’t really done anything to make me think this; he treats me really nice and says he loves me every day. He even does the dishes every night.” –Neurotic girlfriend with major trust issues

A. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes? Then you’re probably just paranoid because you’re a dirty little minx. Have you been cheated on in the past? Yes? Then you’re probably just blaming your current partner for the dickheads you’ve dated in the past. If there is no reason to suspect that your partner is cheating he probably isn’t. Sort your trust issues out.


Q. “I had this one night stand, but I think I may have caught an STD, I don’t understand how though as I’m on the pill and I take it at the right time every day.” – Too busy making out behind the shed to have gone to Sex Ed.

A. Read my lips (or writing as the case may be) CONDOMS. The pill doesn’t protect you against anything except pregnancy, and even then it has to be taken correctly and depends on other factors. If you’re that thick, not only should you go back to school to attend sexual education classes, but you shouldn’t have sex. Like ever. Again.


Q. “I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend, what should I do about it? I don’t want to hurt my friend of course, but I also want to be happy.” – Can’t find a boyfriend by myself so I go after my friends’ left overs.

A. You know when you were little and you used to get jealous of your brother/sister/friends because they got cooler toys than you? Well, this is pretty much the same, only this is slightly more complicated than nicking your sister’s Barbie. You want a relationship? Good for you. However, you want it for the wrong reasons, you just want you to be happy, and your “best” friend to be the sad, miserable and lonely one. Stay away from your friends boyfriends and instead try and find your own. I suggest speed dating, that way they won’t have enough time to find out what a truly horrible person you are.

Q. “I found a porno in my boyfriend’s DVD player, does this mean I’m not enough for him anymore? I feel like he’s cheating on me and that what we have just doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.” – Prude who’ve never masturbated. Ever. It makes you go blind

A. Seriously? Ok, firstly, you need to get a vibrator, really. Secondly, he’s a man who watches porn, so fucking what? This is the 21st century, love, even women are partial to a bit of sex on film these days, hell I could point you in the direction of a couple of websites who even do a “female friendly” section. I’m sure your boyfriend loves you very much, hell he has to if he’s putting up with your prudish ways (do you even give head or try anything besides missionary?). Ask yourself this, do you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend when you watch a Gerard Butler movie and his face pops into your head when you’re in bed with your other half (grrr, I want a piece of that sexy man beast)? No, didn’t think so. Get with the ages love, and take up masturbation, seriously, it’ll make your life feel that much better. Hell, you may even have an orgasm once in a while (that’s when you get that tingly feeling down below and your body shakes a little/a lot).


So, what you reckon, think I have a future as an agony aunt?



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