Archive for March 2011

Agony aunt extraordinaire

March 29, 2011

Am I the only one who reads the “Ask the doctor” or “Relationship advice” columns in magazines for a good old giggle? I figured seeing as they’re seemingly such popular features I’d start my own little agony aunt column, and kick it off with a few test questions.

Q. “I think my partner is cheating on me. He hasn’t really done anything to make me think this; he treats me really nice and says he loves me every day. He even does the dishes every night.” –Neurotic girlfriend with major trust issues

A. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yes? Then you’re probably just paranoid because you’re a dirty little minx. Have you been cheated on in the past? Yes? Then you’re probably just blaming your current partner for the dickheads you’ve dated in the past. If there is no reason to suspect that your partner is cheating he probably isn’t. Sort your trust issues out.

 

Q. “I had this one night stand, but I think I may have caught an STD, I don’t understand how though as I’m on the pill and I take it at the right time every day.” – Too busy making out behind the shed to have gone to Sex Ed.

A. Read my lips (or writing as the case may be) CONDOMS. The pill doesn’t protect you against anything except pregnancy, and even then it has to be taken correctly and depends on other factors. If you’re that thick, not only should you go back to school to attend sexual education classes, but you shouldn’t have sex. Like ever. Again.

 

Q. “I fancy my best friend’s boyfriend, what should I do about it? I don’t want to hurt my friend of course, but I also want to be happy.” – Can’t find a boyfriend by myself so I go after my friends’ left overs.

A. You know when you were little and you used to get jealous of your brother/sister/friends because they got cooler toys than you? Well, this is pretty much the same, only this is slightly more complicated than nicking your sister’s Barbie. You want a relationship? Good for you. However, you want it for the wrong reasons, you just want you to be happy, and your “best” friend to be the sad, miserable and lonely one. Stay away from your friends boyfriends and instead try and find your own. I suggest speed dating, that way they won’t have enough time to find out what a truly horrible person you are.

Q. “I found a porno in my boyfriend’s DVD player, does this mean I’m not enough for him anymore? I feel like he’s cheating on me and that what we have just doesn’t mean as much to him as it does to me.” – Prude who’ve never masturbated. Ever. It makes you go blind

A. Seriously? Ok, firstly, you need to get a vibrator, really. Secondly, he’s a man who watches porn, so fucking what? This is the 21st century, love, even women are partial to a bit of sex on film these days, hell I could point you in the direction of a couple of websites who even do a “female friendly” section. I’m sure your boyfriend loves you very much, hell he has to if he’s putting up with your prudish ways (do you even give head or try anything besides missionary?). Ask yourself this, do you feel like you’re cheating on your boyfriend when you watch a Gerard Butler movie and his face pops into your head when you’re in bed with your other half (grrr, I want a piece of that sexy man beast)? No, didn’t think so. Get with the ages love, and take up masturbation, seriously, it’ll make your life feel that much better. Hell, you may even have an orgasm once in a while (that’s when you get that tingly feeling down below and your body shakes a little/a lot).

 

So, what you reckon, think I have a future as an agony aunt?

 

Sil,

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Funny sign of the day PT 5

March 29, 2011

Yeah, I’m just getting down right dirty now.

Would you let them near your computer?

Sil, x

Funny sign of the day PT 4

March 29, 2011

I appreciate the female body, do you?

 

Sil, x

You can stick your bloody England…

March 29, 2011

I did a blog a few days back after it was made clear that Rio Ferdinand had not only lost the captaincy at England, but he had lost it to the very person who had been stripped of it a year earlier.

Needless to say that any United fan with half a brain would be absolutely appalled at how Rio was treated, probably not surprised, but disgusted none the less. It will forever remain a mystery to me how anyone can support United as well as a team whose players include those that for most of the year you despise, but hey, who am I to question national pride. Apparently Fabio Capello rung Steven Gerrard in regards to the captaincy and told him what was going to happen, as well as discussing it with other players, including of course Captain fucking fantastic himself. Only person he didn’t speak to was the actual England captain, Rio Ferdinand. Imagine how Rio must have felt, to not only lose the captaincy, but be treated with such utter disrespect that he seemingly was the only person who wasn’t told before it was all over twitter and the rest of the internet. If you were Rio, would you stay an England player?

Remember when Rio was given an 8 month ban by the FA for forgetting a drug test (a month longer than Adrien Mutu who actually tested positive to having used Cocaine)? This was despite offering to take it within minutes of it having being scheduled to take place and offering to take a hair test to prove he had not touched any drugs. He hadn’t touched drugs, but lost eight months of his career, the FA screwed him, and we stood by him. John Terry was given the captaincy back because he “had been punished for long enough (ask Wayne Bridge if he agrees) and England needed a captain that was consistently in the team”. Of course since that was said Terry has been excused from Tuesday’s friendly against Ghana and England is instead being captained by Gareth Barry (who wasn’t good enough to play in the match that actually mattered). Capello, England and the FA have screwed Rio, and once again, we’re the ones who are sticking by him.

Rio will be 33 later this year, it’s time he realised he should spend the rest of his career concentrating on the team, and the fans, who have stood by him. Like Rio said, “Build you up to knock you down, this is England”. Interpret that how you may want, but it’s quite fitting isn’t it?

 

Sil, x

Beta site

March 28, 2011

Please visit http://www.watchmeruletheworld.com/ for a look at the brand new beta site for Football, Sex and Rock’n’Roll. The transfer between the old design and new design should be finalised withing a couple of weeks, so let me know if there’s anything you don’t like about the new design as it’s not the finished product yet.

After the transfer you’ll be able to access the blog via both footballsexrocknroll.com and http://www.watchmeruletheworld.com

Sil, x

Funny sign of the day PT 3

March 25, 2011

Too early in the morning for this?

Sil, x

Funny sign of the day PT 2

March 24, 2011

Spring makes me feel childish, although these signs are getting more views than anything else, so I suppose I’m not really alone in this! Can you see the picture?

Sil, x


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