Archive for February 2011

It’s all about balls

February 26, 2011

Whether it’s your relationship or your football team, it seems that some times it really is much of the same.

On the good days you’ll score three or even four, on the bad days you don’t score at all or you find the other team is scoring without you being allowed in on any of the fun.

On a good day you’ll get away with a rough tackle or mouthing off, on a bad day you’ll get a red card for being caught in a compromising position although you’ve really not done anything wrong. This time, at least.

Some days you score the goal of a life time, other times you find out the goal came with syphilis. I don’t really know how you could relate getting an STD to football though. Unless you’re an Argentinean national team player/Manchester City player and your bunk buddy for away matches is Carlos Tevez.

On a good day you win the European Cup, on a bad day you slip on a wet patch and can’t fulfil your obligations.

 

 

Sil, x

 

Advertisements

Football fans are dickheads.

February 15, 2011

See. That got your attention didn’t it. Football fans are a lot of things; fickle, opinionated and conflicted. Whilst some fans have an opinion and stick to it, some change with the wind and others just have opinions that conflict each other more than someone who’s against the death penalty but would like the right to own a gun just so they could shoot the unfortunate bastard who decide to burglarize them.

For instance, I know a lot of people who would have no problem whatsoever with a gay footballer playing for their team, however I also know a lot of people who would hate it, not to mention make a big deal out of it EVERY fucking time there’s a rumour going around about a footballer whose sexual interests do not involve a 21 year old escort who’ll shag your brains out but then go on to sell your story for a couple of grand  to get her through her next tit operation. Now despite this, these same people have at least one footballer who at some point they’ve uttered the words “I’d leave my wife for him” or something to that effect. A great example of this is David Ginola at Spurs, although to be fair he did have his moments of looking a bit like a very handsome girl.

Then there’s the love/hate relationship displayed by some football fans for their club. Take for example the fans of a certain London football team (no names mentioned, however they have an unfortunate nickname related to male prostitution amongst some opposition fans), who’ve been known to boo their team. Despite being one of the top teams in the league, and on occasion when they’ve actually held the first spot. Then I suppose, you shouldn’t really expect much from fans that’ve only got the one song for their team. Booing your team is pretty much up there with leaving a match when there’s still the better part of a half to go. Seriously, you pay between £40-£80 for a ticket, plus travel costs, plus however many pints and a dodgy pie, and you’re going to leave early because you’re losing (like some West Ham fans may have realised was a bad move after they came back against West Brom at the weekend) or boo your team because you’re losing, or even drawing. You really think that is going to help your team? As for the excuse of if the team doesn’t perform it entitles you to boo them, let’s say we’re having sex and it turns out you’re a shit shag, does that mean I’m entitled to turn around and boo you? Think about it.

To be fair, as football fans, it’s our right to change our mind, to be opinionated and support our team in the way we see fit. Doesn’t mean you can’t be a right dickhead in how you chose to do it though.

Sil, x

Happy Hallmark Day

February 14, 2011

Seriously. Despite all my miserable notions and slightly (but only slightly) taking the mick out of V-day, I would like to wish everyone else a great day. Really, I mean it.

If you lot of pathetic mugs want to spend a load of money on chocolates that will have her complaining about her weight for weeks, or flowers that’ll be dead in a week (and a bitch to clean out of the vase if you forget to get rid straight away), then you go right ahead. To all you sensible people out there who’ve been made to feel like you’re all right dicks because you’re not going to a mediocre Italian tonight, just have a look at the picture below and then tell me you don’t feel a million times better about yourselves.

 

At least now we can go to the High Street without getting blinded by red, metallic love hearts in every bloody shop window. Of course, they’re only going to go and replace them with fucking chickens that look like they’ve been taken straight from the KFC genetic modification farms. Happy fucking Easter.

 

Sil, x

Five V-day films you should watch

February 13, 2011

I realised I skipped a day on the V-day countdown, but to be perfectly honest, after my team beat City, I really couldn’t even be bothered to regain my distain for the Hallmark holiday (The city is yoooours, the city is yoooours, 20000 empty seats, are you fuckin’ sureee? Right, that’s out of my system now.)

Now V-day is nothing without Valentine’s Day movies, right? And in an attempt to be slightly more cheerful about the big day, I’m going to suggest a couple of films that might be suitable.

1. Valentine. I mean, it’s all in the name, really? So, it may be about a killer and nobody knows who he is (well it’s kind of obvious if you have half a brain), but it has eye candy a plenty in it. Most notably David Boreanaz (yummy) and Denise Richards (in a swimsuit as well). It’s also got a not so famous Katherine Heigl (before she was SUPER famous) and some dude who used to be in the latter seasons of Beverly Hills 90210, I think he may have played a lawyer, or an accountant and he dated one of or both the blondes in it (you know the ones I mean, Tori “Only got the part because my dad’s a bit soft” Spelling and the other one who used to date Brandon in the show). It also has THE best poem ever written, which I quote quite often in day to day conversations, “Roses are red, Violets are blue… They’ll need dental records to identify you.” 10 out of 10 for brilliantly lousy script, yet refreshing horror reminiscent of the days where horror films still tried to adhere to some sort of a story.

2. My Bloody Valentine. Now, this isn’t a great film, not by any means. Even as a horror it’s predictable and unoriginal. However, it has Jensen Ackles in it, and if I could have one night with that gorgeous man, I’d give up sex forever.

3. Natural Born Killers. Hey, if there’s ever a story that shows how messed up love can get, this is the one. Although I suppose the sociopathic tendencies played a small part.

4. Misery. Hey, if ever there was a bunny boiler… and these two weren’t even in a relationship, she was just crazy and obsessed with a writer. Now imagine if they’d actually been in a relationship. Then imagine how crazy she’d have been. Then stop being miserable you’re single.

5. Basic Instinct and/or Fatal Attraction. Both are two of my favourite films ever. These films have lessons to be learned aplenty; don’t sleep with more than one person in a film, don’t cheat on your wife with a psychopath, don’t fall in love with a woman who has a thing about ice picks and whatever you do, do NOT trust Michael Douglas’ taste in women. Sure Catherine Zeta Jones is stunningly beautiful, but besides from the fact that she’s Welsh, a good actress and mediocre singer… what do we really know about her?

Enjoy, I know I will

Sil,x

P.S. If you spend V-Day watching Twilight, you should have your eyes gauged out with a spoon. Just saying.

Five V-day gifts your man will actually appreciate

February 12, 2011

If you really, really have to celebrate it.

1. A set of ten coupons for blowjobs. Valid any time. You’re not allowed to complain + no making funny faces + if he wants you to swallow, do it. Only fair.

2. Five free passes to go out with the boys (well, you don’t want him taking the piss, and if you give him anymore, he probably will). This way you get a night to yourself to do, well, whatever normal women do. Watch the soaps maybe? He doesn’t have to come home expecting trouble. May want to add in a clause of no using the blowjob coupons on the same nights as the free passes though, he’s only going to pretend he’s forgotten he got one in the morning, the slimy bastard.

3. An Xbox 360/PS3 if he’s not a gamer, get the PS3. You can play games; he can watch porn blu-ray style, resuuult.

4. One of them car track sets, you know where you push the button and they go around in circles racing each other. Think about it, whenever someone gets those for kids, who end up playing with them? The “grown-up” men do. Actually, get me one of those. Please.

5. Porn. Now the last one can be a miss as much as a hit. Some men would love their other half to get them porn (although they may take it as an invite to sex, so you know, if you’re not up for that, may want to get him a couple of shirts from M&S and maybe a nice tie instead). However, they could be a miss, as some men have what I like to call “badly hidden porn syndrome”. Common symptoms include hiding porn in the back of the closet (despite you doing all the laundry, so you will find it putting clothes away, tidying, or just being generally nosey), leaving porn in the VCR/DVD player and claiming it’s not theirs (yeah, because your 80 year old neighbour sneaks over whilst you’re both at work to watch porn in your house) and clinging on to year old porn mags and usually hide them in the bathroom (that one’s even lost on me). Now if your man is the latter kind of man, don’t get him porn. Chances are he’ll feel about the same as someone really religious being handed a crucifix by Satan.

 

Sil, x

Don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, instead…

February 11, 2011

1. Go bungee jumping. It’s kind of like a relationship, only you get the security of a rope and it won’t kill you.

2. Have a nice relaxing walk in a Safari park. Remember, being mauled to death by a tiger is going to be less painful than being kneed in the bollocks for not buying a ring with enough karats.

3.  Watch Titanic. When it comes down to it, that bitch is going to let you drown. Remember that.

4. Spend the night on a park bench. That’s how cold it will be sleeping in your car when she locks you out for being down the pub with your mates.

5. Go to a strip club. A good one. You’ll still have more money than if you had a girlfriend, you can drink as much as you like and when you waste a load of money on extras, least you’ll get what you’re paying for.

Four sleeps to go, are you as excited as me?

Sil, x

 

 

Ten reasons why you should get a SexBot

February 10, 2011

1. Excellent chance to show your ex that you were never as concerned about looks as they said you were. SexBots are actually less attractive than blow up dolls. And possibly based on transvestite fantasies on the creator’s side, not that there’s anything wrong with that, just saying that if you’re a straight man, that may not be too attractive.

2. You can’t get a girlfriend/boyfriend.

3. You’re a 40year old virgin.

4. You’re a sex addict who suffers from aphephobia. That would be so fucking harsh.

5. You don’t want someone nagging at you 24/7.

6. You’re highly boring, not very clever, kind of creepy or incapable of having a conversation with another human being… SexBots don’t judge.

7. You’ll never have to worry about being told “I’m on my period”, “I have a headache” or “Don’t you stick that disgusting thing in me, you sex obsessed prick”.

8. She’ll let you pop all the balloons you want.

9. She won’t spit after giving you a blowjob. She may short circuit though.

10. You’ve read the above nine reasons, and think I make a good case and a SexBot really is for you. Join a fucking dating site, we don’t live in some Star Trek alternate universe, you complete and utter freak. (Although if you, as a fetish, just have a thing for robots, go on, good for you, I don’t judge, and don’t really care and have seen weirder. May still want to consider the dating sites though. Seriously.)

Sil, x


%d bloggers like this: