Archive for November 2010

What To Get Me For Christmas

November 26, 2010

If you want even a remote chance of getting me into bed.

cod prestige

Black Ops, Prestige Edition (for the 360). I already have the game, I have had it since it came out and have already completed it. Not really my favourite of the Call of Duty series, but hey ho, who would say no to some zombie killing as JFK. Obviously, it’s not really the game itself I’m after, but what comes with the Prestige Edition, that AMAZING jeep. Radio controlled car, with a camera? Fucking hell yes. That would keep me entertained for weeks. Well, at least days. Plus I always did want to find out if my upstairs neighbour really has become a prostitute, or if the bloke living next to her really does kill people and store them under his floor boards. Might be worth throwing some night vision goggles in with that.

Front row standing tickets at a Bruce Springsteen concert. There’s something incredibly sexy about a man who can sing, play the guitar and looks that hot in jeans. Unless I manage to get onto stage and somehow convince the Boss to come home with me, the person taking me would be in for one hell of a night.

Bruce

Pacific Blue on DVD. Hell if anyone remembers that show, never mind can manage to get it on DVD; I’m already half way into your bed. Also, could always have it running in the background whilst we get down and dirty. A bit soft compared to what I’d usually watch whilst having sex, but what the hell. Who doesn’t love a bit of watching gorgeous people, with guns, running around in tight biking shorts?

An invisibility cloak. Fuck, if you can get me that, I’ll marry you. I may not believe in marriage, but I am a firm believer in sex after marriage. Maybe not with each other though.

To be honest, I’d prefer it if someone got me something extremely cool and original that I never even knew I wanted, be more exiting that way. Spontaneous bonus sex is always more fun than planned missionary position sex. Not that I do the latter. Ever.

Sil, X

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Ten Reasons I’d Rather Be Single

November 26, 2010

1. I don’t have to hang out with his dickhead friends who think I go to football to watch men in shorts. Hairy legs, GOD how sexy.

2. I love the female body; nothing is sexier than a woman’s body. However you, that is “females”, do my fucking head in. I would rather be single than spending my time having my ear chewed by some bird who thinks just because we’re sleeping together I’m obliged to listen to every stupid little problem she has. Nicked yourself shaving? Get a fucking band aid, no need to bloody cry about it.

3. In laws. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been involved with people in the past who’ve had parents I’ve actually liked more than the person I’ve been seeing, but let’s be honest, who needs the fucking hassle? I already have one set of parents, I do not need another one hassling me about what I’m doing with my life, am I having children, is it going to be soon, not to mention marriage. Why the fuck would I want to get married, do you have any idea how expensive divorces are? Nor do I want to bring any children into your messed up family. You still wash your son’s clothing? I won’t be a replacement mum for your son.

mario

4. In order to have a good relationship, it needs to be based on friendship. Once you go from friendship to a relationship, 99percent of the time, you can’t go back. The fact that they hit on every girl in the club when drunk won’t be cute when you’re going home with them, not to mention it’ll have you wondering whether that itch you’ve been feeling lately really is just feminine itching.

5. Break-ups. Seriously, who needs the stress? I’ve never had a really ugly break-up, but who needs naked pictures of themselves plastered all over the internet. Not to mention having every one of your mutual friends look at you like you’re crazy because he’s told them you started crying because he left the toilet seat up. It’s not like they’ll believe you when you tell them he was the one crying after you ripped the toilet seat off and smashed him over the head with it.

6. You feel like you’re living with a puppy, except you don’t get the cute, cuddly side of it. Seriously, what is it with blokes who get so pissed that they forget where the toilet is. Pissing in the bed, down the staircase, on the sofa, in the kitchen sink or in the wardrobe all over my nice shoes… What the FUCK is wrong with you?

7. Criticizing every little thing I do. Did you know men actually have more car accidents? I don’t need you telling me that I’m going too slow or too quick, or perhaps I use the indicators too early. You really shouldn’t talk, especially as you never give me any indications of when you’re about to be too quick. Which again, is another good reason to be single, at least vibrators don’t finish till you want them to.

8. It’s cheaper. Christ, why would you want to spend money on cards and gifts for every little anniversary or Valentines day or “I’m sorry I got too drunk last night” days. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where the only time we talk is when we are exchanging cards that say a load of bollocks neither of us would actually say out loud and sincerely mean. Also, most people probably wouldn’t appreciate it when I give them a card that says “My Sincere Condolences” when they suggest after being together for a year we should get married.

9. Custody of the Xbox 360 and the HDTV with Surround Sound system. I’m better at gaming than you are, and we both know you’d never be able to put it together yourself. You’d never be able to give it as much love as I could.

10. You don’t have to deal with the aftermath of a bruised ego because you refused to fake an orgasm. Or having to utter the phrase “It happens to everyone”, or “It doesn’t matter” and actually make out like you mean it. Really isn’t my problem that you had one too many beers and now you can’t get it up, that’s why God invented vibrators. Plus, they don’t require pillow talk.

Sil, x

Things That Piss Me the FUCK Off Part 1

November 25, 2010

Stereotypical female football fans.

I don’t think blokes realise just how hard it is to be a female football fan, even now when we’re in the year 2010. Most of my male mates will say that they take the female fans just as seriously as the male fans; however, that’s an outright lie. You don’t take us seriously till we’ve spent a hell of a long time discussing football with you to the point we’ve shown that we have the knowledge for you to take us seriously, and I mean one HELL of a long time.

Sadly though, our cause isn’t helped by the amount of stupid female “football fans” out there. Someone gave me a link to a blog today, football blog written by a woman. Now I’m too much of a lady to actually put the name of the blog down in writing, however, it’s exactly the kind of drivel I’m taking about. The kind that makes it harder on the rest of us. Some silly bint who thinks the easy way to blogging fame is to turn the game into something reeking of sex appeal, once again making it seem like women only watch football because there’s athletic men running around in shorts. Well, news flash, boys, there isn’t anything sexy about some dude’s hairy legs, bad hair cut (or hair transplant in the case of some, not mentioning names, but he used to play for the lesser side in Manchester) or stupid robot dancing. There’s nothing sexy about a big pay check either, that is, unless you’re a money grabbing whore (Wayne Rooney will know where I’m coming from, bless his less than averagely gifted brain). These women are the same who’ll be turning up at matches with their dads, uncles and boyfriends with their fake eyelashes and high heels that sadly in too few a case ends in broken necks.

You’re a disgrace to female football fans everywhere, and to be perfectly honest, I think we should do the entire world a favour and take you around the back of the barn and put you down like the challenged and wounded animals that you are.

There are plenty of female football fans out there, who know a lot about football, some of them are very good friends of mine and happen to know a hell of a lot more than most men I know. They spend a lot of their time getting slated for opinions simply because they’re women, they spend a lot of time reading up on news and rumours to give them an edge on the men when it comes to football, and I don’t know why they bother. I stopped doing that a long time ago. I know what I know, which is a hell of a lot, and I don’t feel the need to prove myself just because I’m a woman. If anything, when a man chooses not to take me seriously because I’m a woman talking about football, that is one less person I need to waste any of my precious time on. In the meanwhile, I’ll be more than happy doing my bit tripping up silly little bitches going down the stairs at the ground in their platform shoes.

Sil, x


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