Archive for May 2010

Sil’s guide to Sex toys/enhancers

May 12, 2010

How pretentious is is to talk about yourself in the third person like that? Not really a great start really. Now this is my personal opinions about some of the toys/enhancers out there, it’s no reflection on the general opinion of these toys as my feelings in regards to some of them may be a bit anti-typical, also the numbering isn’t a rating system, it’s just to seperate them, except for number one.

1. The Wiggle Wand. Now I have had a lot of sex toys in my days, and I have tried a lot of toys/sex enhancers, but this one is my absolutely favourite. It’s pretty much what the name tells you it is, it’s a wand that due to its straw sized bendable spring shaft, well it wiggles. Now you need to buy a good quality one, like you should with all sex toys. Yes it’s tempting to buy a cheap one, but you’ll end up disappointed nine times out of then. The Wiggle Wand is brilliant for clitoral stimulation, I’m not generally too quick to orgasm but this 8th Wonder of the World will make me shiver within minutes. I wouldn’t suggest getting it for anal stimulation, but insert it elsewhere and it reaches spots that nothing else I’ve ever tried does. It’s also great for teasing each other if you’re with a a partner. Only drawback is it is rather loud, so I wouldn’t suggest using it if you get horny and have guests in the other room. Well, unless you want to get caught and is hoping it’ll turn into a massive orgy.

2. Bullet vibrators. They’re small, they’re powerful, and they’re very light travel companions. They’re really only good for one thing, stimulating the clit and general foreplay,  but that is to be fair all the claim to be good for. Whatever you do, do not insert these anywhere. You don’t want to end up having to go to the quacks because you’ve got a sex toy inside you that you can’t get out again yourself. Although, it’d be a good icebreaker at parties or on a date, “So what have you been up to today?” Drunken smile followed by “Well I was getting myself off and got a bit carried away, so I had to go see my GP so he could get a bullet vibrator out of my pussy.” Lets face it, if that doesn’t get a smile you’re wasting your time talking to a very stuck up person(s).

3. Cock rings/finger vibrators. Cock rings for him can keep him hard for longer, but it can also improve his pleasure, as well as yours, especially when it’s a vibrating one. There is one thing though, don’t leave them on for more than thirty minutes, and do NOT fall asleep with them on as it can lead to nerve damage, and it worst case scenario amputation, and a longer hard on is not worth having no cock for. Now it may be a bit random to put cock rings and finger vibrators in the same pile, but they’re both brilliant for enhancing pleasure during fucking (I nearly put intercourse there, but lets face it I’m not writing an educational essay on the bloody subject), and whilst a cock ring doesn’t always enhance the female’s pleasure, a finger vibrator (which is generally a bullet type vibrator with a ring that attaches to your finger like a, well ring) does enhance your pleasure, and as a majority of women can not climax from fucking alone, it’s a great help.

4. Rabbits. I’m not a fan. I’m sorry, but having a metal/plastic type material pounding into you whilst the rabbit’s ears struggle to find your clit does not really turn me on. I find they’re too hard work to get pleasure from, and whilst they seem to be incredible popular amongst women, I just find them uncomfortable and not very pleasurable. More like hard work, I tried to make it work for me, but it just didn’t. It may be the world’s number one sex toy, but I really think that has to be because it got featured on Sex and the City more than anything else. I don’t particularly like that TV show either.

5. Strap-ons/dildos. Now most people hear strap-on and they think lesbians. Especially people that watch a lot of porn. Now in my experience not all lesbians/bisexual women are fans of strap-ons. I’m not generalising, it’s just from my personal experience, and that doesn’t mean that’s how it is. Depending on the woman, they may prefer using dildos on each other rather than one fucking the other, although you do get strap-ons that provide pleasure for both parties. Also some men enjoy being fucked by their girlfriends/partners using a strap on (yes, I’m talking about straight men), it doesn’t do anything for me, but then I think women that like that generally enjoy the dominating part in a sexual relationship, or they simply do it because it will please their man. I’d be willing to do pretty much anything to please my partner, male or female, and although I do not see this as something “kinky”, it’s simply just something that would not bring me any pleasure.

6. Butt plugs/Anal beads. I love these. Anal sex is to me like ice cream to broken hearted girls (now that’s generalising, I know), and the beauty is that you will get something to “fit” anyone. Vibrating or not, small or bigger, whatever you’re after you can find it, and it’s generally less intimidating than actual anal sex with a partner, and a good way of starting if you’re interested in anal sex.

7. Sex swings. OK, so I realise that this is a bit random, but seriously, they are worth trying. Sex swings aren’t just for bondage fans who like to be tied up, a lot of them are not bondage inspired but are simply sex enhancers that will encourage you to try new positions and find new gateways to pleasure. So try it, please.

8. Leather/PVC. Again, probably mainly seen as bondage/BDSM related. However they don’t have to be, or they can be, it’s completely up to you. It can be incredibly sexy to see your other half dressed up in leather (men in leather/PVC does nothing for me, sorry, total Village People moment), and if nothing else a bit of roleplay could simply spice things up a bit when they’ve gone a bit stale.

9. Ropes/whips/paddles. Now we’re actually onto actual submission, which to a lot of people can be quite scary. However not all submission play has to be tied down using sailor knots with a big rubber ball in your mouth, unless that’s what you’re into of course. A couple of silk ties, a bit of teasing, some light spanking (although I prefer slightly more forceful spanking), it really can enhance sex and just spice things up.

Sil, x

Things to do

May 11, 2010

When your country is being fucked over royally as the result of a Conservative government.

1. Infiltrate MI5 and get them to execute orders to have David Cameron killed by orders of the Queen. (No I am not being serious, please do not have me locked up for terrorism, I honestly am joking. Really. At least a little bit. Mostly)

2. Send David Cameron love letters and sign them William Hague, make sure the letters look legit. Hence sound pompous and arrogant, whilst showing appreciation that the amount of blowjobs that have been exchanged between the two have now lead to a great political position for the both of them. Then leak the letters to the Sun, who, lets face it, will print anything.

3. Infiltrate the palace wearing Mission Impossible style disguise to appear as David Cameron, get into the Queen’s bed then say in very posh voice: “Ma’am, I would like to thank you for giving me the power to fuck this country up the backside, by analy buggering you.”

4. Give Gordon Brown a hug. Let’s face it, he could probably really do with one.

5. Watch Fringe on Sky 1 HD. Not because it will help matters in the slightest, but quite frankly Science Fiction is a hell of a lot more appealing than reality. I would prefer the world exploding due to improbable continual opening of gateways between parallel worlds than a Tory government.

6. Get a time machine. Travel five years into the future, see what state the UK is in by then and hence decide whether to become a harem girl in Saudi Arabia as of next week.

7. Expect the worst. It can never really be as bad as expected. Lib Dem will have some say won’t they. We won’t all get screwed over totally.

8. Believe in the power of positive thinking.

9. Realise positive thinking does not work.

10. Become an excessive drinker, smoker and all around annoying little cunt. And probably become a Member of Parliament as a result of it.

Sil, x

My Perfect Man…

May 11, 2010

Does not exist. At this point I would like to apologise to myself for crushing my childhood hopes for the perfect man. Although I never really had any realistic hopes that there were such a thing as even a semi-perfect man, a girl can always dream right?

Of course it’s not just me that are missing out, I’m afraid to say this people, but there is no one out there that is absolutely perfect for you. Of course you could pretend that there is such a thing as the perfect man or woman. The dreamy eyes, the smarts, the cooking skills, the willingness to give morning head, whatever floats your boat. However there is no such thing. There is no such thing as perfection, and I’m sorry but anyone who says “perfection is found in the imperfections” or something stupid like that, please feel free to punch yourself in the mouth now.

People ask too much of other people. You expect to find your partners to be perfect, yet you expect them to accept your imperfections. What IS up with that? I am sorry, but it will never work like that. Not to mention, you will spend a lot of time desperately trying to ensure that person’s happiness, only to find that it will in fact never be quite enough to make them happy. So here’s what I’m thinking, and please, I am actually being serious, stop being so incredibly set on people only being in relationships with one person at the time. Encourage people to have several relationships. Why? Because everyone will be happier. Well for those of us it suits, crazy jealous people may want to seek other ways to ensure happiness.

Imagine, you could have one person that wants to go to the theatre with you (hey, I CAN be cultured you know, despite the facts I swear like a builder and am less posh than the Queen’s dogs), you can have one person who is great in bed, one person that’s intelligent and you can have conversations with about all the brainy stuff (you know the sorts, politics, books, history and art)… How brilliant would that be? Personally I don’t need social acceptance to be living by these suggestions (Not that I do, well at least not right now, but I may have done in the past), however some people feel the need to be following social levels of acceptance when leading their lives, AND these are the people you can help.

So be more accepting of people who chose to lead their lives rather differently, and you too can ensure other people’s happiness. If nothing else, think of the fucking karma points. Or if that doesn’t work, think of being married and it being socially acceptable to have a lover when your wife no longer puts out. Not to mention you won’t have to worry about waking up in the night with your balls being super-glued to your thighs.

Sil, x

Clegg screwed us

May 11, 2010

I admit, I didn’t see it coming. Well at least not before the election. Is Nick Clegg really so desperate for power that he is willing to go into a coalition government with the party who is as far right as he is left? We will not get electoral reform under the Tories, ignore what they’re telling you Nicky, they’re lying. Did they promise you that they would not close the mines (are there even any left to close?) or that they would not steal any candy (or milk) from small children?

I for one feel like I’ve just been fucked up the backside by the biggest cock known to man, and I did not enjoy it at all. By the look of Lord Mandelson’s face on Sky, I’d make a well educated guess that it is in fact over. Labour should have done more to ensure a deal could be reached, that much is for certain, but the Liberal Democrats should never have gone in for a deal with the Tories. You’ve sold us out Nick, and it’s not for the better of the country, it’s for the better of you and your need for power, something which you will never achieve whilst working with the scum of the earth. You have sold your soul to the Devil, perhaps because he wears nice suits and speaks poshly and so you can relate to him.

I for one will never be able to forgive Nick Clegg for going in for a coalition with the Conservatives. You will not get what you want, there will be no Liberal Democrat passing of laws or policies, you will spend the next five years being raped prison style over and over by the devil and his hell hounds. And we will pay the price for you.

I hope you’re happy Nick, you have a few hours to make it up to me and prove me wrong, but I can’t see it happening. You’ve made me fall out of love with you, and I only hope that your party peers decide to go against your wishes, and if they do not you may all feel free to rot in hell.

Sil, x

Things you should do before you die

May 10, 2010

– Have a threesome. MMF, MFF it doesn’t matter, that’s Male-male-female and male-female-female for anyone that may be confused. I’m not saying they’re great for everyone, but it’s something to tick off the list for those of us who feel sex is one of the most important things in life.  By which I mean, grade how good a day has been by how many/how good the orgasms of the day were.

– Talk to strangers in a pub/on a train/at a football match/anywhere else. Now, I’d suggest studying these people before talking to them, as sometimes you do get some very very (VERY) strange people, but you can also meet people that’ll speed up your journey, who’re entertaining, or who you may get to have a quickie with at some point and they’ll blow your mind. Typical me, I’m thinking about sexual potential, but seriously, you should do it. You don’t know what kind of weird and wonderful things you may come across. I admit in my case, it’s usually weird. Very. Weird.

– For those of you who aren’t English (European) , go to a football match (in England). The atmosphere, the togetherness of the fans… the swearing, oh hell yes the swearing, it’ll be something you’ll never forget.

– See I want to put something sensible in here, like learn a foreign language, or go travelling to historical places or dispute that E=MC^2, but to be perfectly honest, things like that are so different from person to person. However I would suggest that if you’re French, give up waiting for us to learn your language, most of the world speaks English happily, come, join us. We’ll even try to make less jokes about you bending over for the Germans during the war.

– Have sex in the sea. In the sea, not on the beach, have you got any idea how annoying the sand gets? There’s nothing quite like fucking in the sea, you’ll have to try it to find out what I mean though. But remember, not on the sand.

– Get married, have loads of kids, buy a house and build that white picket fence. naaaaaaaaaaaah. By all means, have kids and buy a house, but don’t get married. This day in age you don’t have to get married to show you love someone, and lets be honest… most the people who get married, that I know anyhow, only do so because if they don’t it’d be oh so much easier to break up. Bunch of idiots. Ooo look at us, we’re not religious but gave our vows in front of God because that’s what our parents did, and we will be soooo happy because we vuv each other and shit. Please. Just. Die.

– Have anal sex. Yep, there, I said it. I mean come on people, it’s the 21st century. Trust me girls, you want extra presents at Christmas, let him do you up the backside. I’m not gonna lie, it’ll hurt a bit at first (or throughout if not done right) but you WILL love it. Please, just trust me on this one, there’s nothing quite like it.

– Have sex in a hotel and moan so loudly you get the people in the room next to you to bang on the walls. Ok, so maybe this isn’t really a thing you “have to” do before you die, but trust me when I say it’s fucking hilarious. and after a while it’s more like having someone cheering you on, especially if you fuck in time with the person banging on the wall, but take care, the speed may become too much for some people.

This is kinda turning into sexual things to do before you die, so I think I may have to leave it and come back to the subject at another time. Plus, I’m fucking starving and I am sitting right next to the shop on the train.

Sil, x

My heart aches

May 9, 2010

Which is of course football related, as nothing else is going to get me going quite like my team. I am absolutely bricking it. I can’t remember the last time I felt this sick during the final match of the season, although I’m wagering it’s been a few years.

Between having abuse shouted at me by classless Chelsea fans (yeah, I wear my green and gold in London, so f’ing what [I did tell them to go fuck themselves, of course I added a please in there as I’m just that kind of girl]) and being on a over crowded train which is way too warm and full of people who do not know the meaning of the word deodrant I’m feeling pretty sick, and that’s just my nerves.

I hate that it’s down to the last match of the season almost as much as I hate it’s not in our hands. Depending on Wigan to get a point or more at the Bridge whilst cheering our boys on to win may just become too much for me today, especially as I’m already losing my voice and feel like shit.

If there is a God, please please please let us win it. Only football can make an Atheist turn desperate enough to pray.

Come ON United, and go on the Lactics. Pretty please.

Sil, x

My heart is pounding

May 9, 2010

Late night call between Clegg and Brown confirmed, could it be that we may get what we want after all?

This is going to be a very very short post, as that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. However I have to admit it has got my blood pumping. Logically, and politically, Labour and the Liberal-Democrats are much more compatible than the posh twats and Lib-Dem are. Yes I realise Clegg’s a Cambridge graduate, but I’m sorry, the fact that he’s got a good education doesn’t mean he’s a posh twat, I know plenty of well educated people who’re complete and utter commoners. Which is good, because that’s my peeps.

If Clegg rolls over and decides to let Dave “please beat the posh twat out of me” Cameron fuck him up the arse, then I have to admit that will be it for me as far as the Liberal Democrats go. Clegg’ll have lost me as quickly as he’s won me, and I will not be the only one. Despite the disappointing amount of seats won by Nicky and his party, the actual percentage of votes were not at all that bad. Of course it could have been better, and perhaps if a bunch of people hadn’t tactically voted to keep the Tories out (that went well eh) they may have been.

So as I go to bed, I shall be keeping my hopes up that we will see a love story rivalling that of Titanic (I fucking hate that film, I was so happy when Leo Di Caprio’s character died, I actually laughed a little) developing between Gordy and Nicky. Oh how happy that would make me, and if nothing else it is keeping my mind off tomorrow and what it brings… the final match of the season. Ugh, Imayhaveaheartattack.com.

Sil, x

P.S. I’m holding out for a hero, I’m holding out for a lib-lab at the end of the day… It just popped into my head and won’t leave. Kinda catchy, no?


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